CHAPTER 4 : Het Begin Van de Reis

“Katya, you haven’t told me why you are going to Amsterdam alone.” Kalimat Jansen langsung menohokku. Sorot matanya tidak jahil seperti saat pertama kita bertemu. Lebih lembut dan berhati-hati. “You really wanna know?” tanyaku disambut anggukan Jansen.

“There’s this man…”, Aku memulai.

“Aha! I knew it!”, Suara keras Jansen hampir membangunkan orang di sebelahnya.

“I’m not even finish talking!”, kataku sebal.

“OK sorry. And then?” Wajah Jansen yang usil dan tersenyum menang berubah menjadi ingin tahu.

“Ok.There’s this man. I have ..mm.. feelings for him.” Kataku ragu

“Maar (Tetapi)…?”

“Maar… well.. I never be able to tell if he likes me back, or like me at all. He always know exactly how to make me fond of him, but, he also  disappeared whenever he wants. I’m here, with this feeling for him, expecting something back, and he’s always capable of..you know..dissapearing! I mean, he always come and go and why …….are you looking at me like that?” Jansen memiliki senyum sinis pada wajahnya yang menurutku menjadi menyebalkan.

“Ok..Katya, how long are you waiting for this guy?”

“2 years.”

“2 years??!!” Jansen tertawa dan menggeleng.

“Don’t you wanna move on at some point? You know it’s not going anywhere, right? Or you just don’t know you have to move on?” Jansen menatapku gemas dan jengkel.

“I know!” selakku sebal. “I know, but, it’s not that simple.”

“Why are you waiting for him? OK wrong question, what are you waiting for?” selain menyebalkan, ia ternyata memiliki kemampuan untuk menyakitiku dengan kata-katanya yang tajam dan tepat sasaran.

Aku menelan ludah, mengerutkan dahiku sebal “ I don’t know. Maybe, if I stay long enough, he might realize that there is actually someone who stays.” Jawabku sekenanya.

Jansen mundur dan merebahkan badannya ke belakang. “Wow, I really don’t understand woman.”

“OK forget it!” kataku sebal.

Jansen mendengarnya dan kembali mencondongkan tubuhnya ke arahku.

“Katya, if someone likes you, or love you, they would have no reason AT ALL to not be with you.” Suara Jansen kembali melembut.

Darr.. Wajahku seperti tertampar. Aku tahu apa yang Jansen katakan benar. Dirikupun tahu itu. Tapi, sepertinya aku selalu tidak mau tahu. Selama ini ternyata aku hanya mau mendengar apa yang ingin aku dengar saja, bukan kenyataan sebenarnya.

“So you are going to Amsterdam to “run”?”, Jansen masih penasaran

“After my father re-married, and after all this time waiting for this man, I..…I feel lost. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I stop believe in love, that’s for sure. Look at my mom and dad! This is my first “run”. I never have any courage to go anywhere alone, let alone foreign country, but, I feel overwhelmed, you know? And all of this mess suddenly became my reasons to go alone, far from anything. I wanna left it all behind. I just.. I think I wanna run and forget everything that happened.”

Aku berkata-kata menatap kosong. Membayangkan kembali semuanya, bagaimana hancurnya hati Mama, saat pertama kali tahu bahwa ia bukan wanita satu-satunya dalam hidup Papa, saat Karina berkali-kali melarikan diri dan bahkan mencoba bunuh diri karena tidak tahan dengan suara teriakan satu sama lain antara Papa dan Mama waktu itu. Ditambah , saat itu hanya ada Diego. Satu-satunya orang yang bisa membuatku lebih kuat, walaupun ia tidak selalu ada. Mungkin juga, karena hanya Diego tempatku melarikan diri, mungkin itulah alasan mengapa aku tidak pernah bisa melepasnya. Dari dulu, aku bukan orang yang easy going. Teman-temanku selalu menganggap aku anak yang pendiam, dan terlalu sibuk dengan dunianya sendiri. Di saat semua orang asik berkumpul atau berjalan-jalan di mall, aku lebih suka menyendiri. Bukan berarti aku kutu buku atau tidak punya teman atau apa, tapi, aku lebih suka keheningan. Terkadang aku bisa duduk sendirian di coffee shop, hanya membawa buku novel tebal, earphone, dan aku bisa duduk berjam-jam larut dalam cerita yang ada di dalam novel. Aku pikir hanya itu satu-satunya cara untuk melupakan cerita hidupku sendiri.

Kenapa aku jadi curhat sama Jansen tentang masalah pribadi, ya?

Aku berdeham kecil. Jansen measih memandangku. Sepertinya ia tidak tahu harus berkata apa. Tangan Jansen meraih tanganku. Ia tidak berbicara apa-apa dan begitu juga aku. Ia hanya menggenggamnya lama. (to be continued)

*

Single and 30

Kehidupan Single Wanita 30

Tahukah kamu?
Bahagianya menjadi single di usiaku?

Setiap hari-hariku diisi dengan kerja 8 jam sehari. Ditambah 2 jam kemacetan saat berangkat dan pulang. Hari Sabtu aku gunakan untuk istirahat, berkencan dengan remote TV, daripada bergabung dengan kemacetan orang2 bermalam minggu.
Hari Minggu selalu rasa Senin. Dan saat Senin datang, semua berulang sampai Senin berikutnya. Aku bahagia. Aku punya "me time" . Duduk sendirian dalam comfort zone ku sendiri. Jauh dari keramaian. Hanya ditemani foto2 lama, dan buku2 tebal yg menumpuk, dan musik instrumental yg mengalun pelan. Foto2 yang menggambarkan wajah mudaku,wajah2 laki2 yg mengisi hari2ku dulu, wajah teman2ku yang penuh canda tawa dan belum tahu arah hidup mereka. Buku-buku yang berisi cerita2 karakter2nya. Cerita lain yang membuatku lupa akan cerita hidupku sendiri. Yang membawaku ke dalam imajinasi lain selain kenyataan hidup. Musik2 yang menenangkan hati, dan mencari lirik2 yang paling mendekati dengan situasi sekarang. Orang2 yg kuperhatikan hanyalah ibu, ayah dan adik. Karena aku berteman dengan anak2 20an yang memiliki dunia dan keasikannya sendiri, sedangkan teman2 seusiaku memiliki anak, suami, dan karir yang membawanya pergi jauh ke belahan dunia lain. Yang membuatku iri setengah mati. Membuatku ingin scroll down dengan cepat setiap aku melihat foto2 pernikahan, bayi, dan foto2 perjalanan orang2.
Setengah hatiku, aku bahagia. Sendirian. Tanpa tanggung jawab kepada siapapun. Tidak ada aturan. Tidak ada yang mengganggu. Melakukan semua hal yg aku suka. Aku bisa menulis,bermimpi, bahagia sendiri di ruang kecil bernama kamar. Larut dalam comfort zone ku sendiri. Atau, terkadang, duduk sendirian melihat orang berlalu lalang. Bertanya2 kemana tujuan mereka. Aku bahagia. Menjadi diriku sendiri. Tapi tahukah kamu, setengah hatiku lagi? Sepi.
Di antara kesibukan. Di antara keramaian. Di antara pengulangan yang monoton. Di antara cinta yang ada di sekitarku. Di antara kolam yang semakin mengecil. Senyumku tidak lagi bersinar. Usiaku tidak lagi muda. Dan waktu tidak akan pernah berjalan mundur ataupun berhenti.  Dan akupun terjebak di antaranya...

I HATE VALENTINES DAY!

Remember this movie?

For years, 

Sorry , I meant for the past several years, I have never been single.

I've been with the wrong men in wrong relationship.

Full of stress. However, I have reasons to buy chocolate(s). Even on that particular day of 'Valentines Day' , I'd wish it would be more like the movie "Valentines Day"-the one with Ashton Kutcher in it. I wish our Jakarta is having more love themes, and flowers, and candies, and chocolates, and love , more love, more love...maybe it would be fun and festive. And this year, I would get a huge pink heart pinata to ruin. I could use some smacking, you know.

Not angry because I'm single this year, but I'm mad because most of my friends are not.

Felt really upset.

I don't wanna open my social media accounts for the past days, because I feel exhausted.

Saw friends showing that they are married, in love, and have this beautiful happy family.

Yes. This is jealousy what I've felt. Even inside my heart I might being OK with being single..but the pressure is too much!!!

Hmmphh!!

I would love some pinata and bat and single friends to ruin the pinata together and just have fun.

Now, where could I find some huge pink pinata?

30th BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM MOM (FLIGHT SIMULATOR)- 29/02/2015

One thing I know about myself, is I love to explore things I don't know.

This year, I have an amazing birthday gift from Mom.

A flight simulation, as PILOT. Talking about PILOT, I remember DIEGO, the man in my novel. He is a pilot. (I love everything about planes since forever), and now I could experience how it's like to be a PILOT.

At first, they told me that I have only 45 minutes to enjoy this Flight Sim. But instead, they gave me 2 hours of fun!

I came around 12, my flight is at 1 PM. Came to the receptionist and I took my Boarding Pass. 

And then the instructure came and introduce himself, as Kemal (With his Pilot Suit and all) Ah uniforms! How a uniform could attract me...ahahah

After that, they put my name on the schedule board. I got Paris as destination. Cool huh?

I walk upstairs and  get inside the plane. Sitting there with my Mom and cousin.

First step, is to have a briefing with "MY" Co-Pilot, Kemal. He asked me where I wanna go as destinations. I have 2 airports to choose from thousands of airports (I have no idea we have thousands!)

I chose Schipol Airport (Amsterdam-Night Time) and Charles De Gaulle Airport (Paris-Day Time).

My mom and cousin also ask things about flight and airplanes about working as pilot. And not long after that, he ask me to join him to go to THE COCKPIT. Which is very cool!! Lot's of confusing buttons and 3D Screen.. Like on a real plane (Hmm..I think, I've never seen a real cockpit)

He asked me to put on a pilot jacket (blazer?), and put on my headset. I could hear him and he could hear me.

He asked me and smile, "Are we ready to take off, Capt.?"

I said," YEAH!!"

He showed me so many buttons, breaks, panels, screen, numbers..and I don't know if I could manage to have it all in my head, too excited...but atleast I know a little. I know what I don't know before about flying.

We tried to take off..and we are really moving! So cool!..but afterward, I have to keep it manually balanced... and I can't. Failed all the time. Hahaha. But I have my Co Pilot to help me.

When I switched to night time , I could see starry sky...and wondering how he must've seen it everyday when he work. How amazing to see such beauty. Subhanallah.

This is by far the coolest gift ever from Mom. From Dad, my Barbie House he gave gazillion years ago still my number 1. Love you Mom and Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. What's next ? ;p